Growth.

So. Yes. This is my first post in a while. In over a year to be precise. The blog thing didn’t quite work out as well as I had hoped. Mainly because I have no discipline, and also because my mind wanders almost a little too easily. I started this blog so that I could have something to do, something to hold onto, something that was mine, and that provided me with the motivation I needed to pursue this whole writing craze I’ve had all my life. And you know, I figured it was about time that I actually got up off of my ass and finally did something to accomplish at least one of the millions of unattainable goals I had set myself. (Which is rather ironic, as I’m sitting on my ass while writing this). Never really had any delusions of this blowing up and me getting a publishing deal or anything. But as long as a few people would be able to read what I have to say and didn’t mind it too much then that would be a massive win for me. Which I guess, is what brought me back to this blog. Yes, I’ve always dreamt of being able to write. But it was never in any sort of capacity. As long as I can write and as long as I can put it all somewhere. I’m a happy chappy. The motivation I had when I started this blog up, that motivation lasted about ten minutes. And after a year of doing absolutely fucking nothing (with the blog… I actually got a lot done in life, I mean I did nothing with the blog). I realised, that in life, motivation is only a small part of doing what you want to do. In fact the motivation, it won’t last very long at all. The only way to be able to do what you want to do, is to find a way to do it even when you don’t want to do it.

Went off on a little tangent there. Yo! Have you guys heard about this Coronavirus thing? Lol! I’m just kidding, I know you all know what’s going on. It even seems like it’s the only thing everyone’s talking about these days. Which I find rather poetic. As before all of this, we all just seemed to be racing through life, full throttle with about a million and one things on our minds every single second of the day. And now the whole world seems to have just stopped. And we all collectively just have one thing on our minds. Way I see it, this could go two ways. We’ll either come together as a species against one common enemy and are able to prove to ourselves and each other that no matter what comes our way we are stronger united; which is a place from which we can learn to love each other again (given that we ever did love each other to begin with). Or the second way, which is that we’ll all probably die. Anyway, I don’t really want to go down that road too much. As I mentioned, it’s getting enough coverage at the moment. I would for a moment at least, like to take a break from all of that and talk about something different. And if it allows your mind to wander from all of this for a second too then that’s a job well done.

[1] Fuck you Coronavirus

Now I don’t exactly want to be preachy or introspective. But since the whole world has gone into lockdown. I’ve had a lot of time to think. Like a LOT of time. Like seriously way too much fucking time to think. And one good thing that has come from that; is that I have a lot more shit to write about so that’s good. But also, I’ve had a chance to go over a lot of decisions I’ve made in life. Decisions that affected me and the people around me. And I know, and I always have known that I have hurt the people I love by being selfish and careless. But I’ve never taken a minute to understand what I’ve learnt from each decision and the outcomes that followed. What did I learn from them what can I take away. If I can’t do that. Then why did they happen in the first place? They say one has to learn from their mistakes, but what did I learn from mine? Isn’t that the whole point of life? Isn’t that why old people are so wise? And I’m not just talking about me here. What about you? What was one thing you ever learnt from something you did in your life; good or bad? Why did you do it? How did it change you? Did it make you better or worse? Do you regret it? Just take some time to think about it. We both know you have the time. And if you don’t, then make time. Because you have to be able to understand yourself. If you can’t, then no one else could either. And yes you can argue that you don’t need anyone to understand you, but that would just be one hell of a lonely life. We should be able to analyse ourselves. I’ve heard many people tell me why they think that they’re not good enough. Everyone is quick to judge and critique themselves. But no one seems to want to do anything about it. I’m not going to sit here and say don’t be hard on yourselves. A little pressure applied in the right way can help anyone prosper. But that’s the catch. Applying it in the right way. That’s the hardest thing to do. Now let’s say you don’t like the way your nose looks. Now that’s just unnecessary pressure. If you got a big ass nose, then you got a big ass nose. That’s just how you’re wired. There’s no positive outcome from putting pressure on yourself for the way you look. (Unless you’re trying to lose weight, but for this point let’s just stick with the whole nose thing). Now, let’s put your big ass nose to one side and think about a relationship you had that didn’t work out. Now it’s important not to blame yourself for anything. But it is helpful to think about the decisions you made in that relationship; the things you said and the way you acted. If you really think about it and find that you did everything right and that you tried your absolute best then you know what you’re doing right and you know what to carry into the next relationship. But if there was something you could have done different. Then you could put pressure on yourself to do it a little differently the next time around. Play your cards right and who knows what could happen.

Now, I know this is only a small thought, but I think that’s the whole point. You can’t expect to master your mind in one day; or even with one thought. It usually takes many thoughts and many days, way too many if you ask me. But you have to start somewhere, and where better to start than with yourself. And that’s partly the reason why I’ve kept this blog post so short. It would be easy for me to rattle on for pages and pages about this that and the other but I feel it’s easier for both you and me since we both know we’re shit at paying attention. And it is probably going to be a lot easier to digest in small bites. If I am incorrect you can let me know.

[2] He’s got a point you know

If you took any of that on board and actually do try to do a little self-reflection (no pressure, I know you’re contemplating whether or not to do it right now. You’re probably thinking “He’ll never know if I don’t.” WELL I WILL!! AND I DO YOU LITTLE SHIT! But no seriously, no pressure lol) and if you do discover something new about yourself or something you could be doing different and if you feel like you want to share that with someone, feel free to hit me up. I would be more than happy to read all about it. It’s also perfectly fine if you don’t. I just know that sometimes when I realise or experience something, the first thing I want to do is share that with someone else. And I know it can be a bit of a bummer when no one’s around. And no word of a lie, as a writer you do some of your best work when you’re in a moment of self-realisation, and it’s always rather exciting to see what could become of those thoughts. I look forward to maybe or maybe not hearing from you guys. Whatever you do as long as you stay happy I’ve got no complaints. So on that note, I hope you and you loved ones are all safe and well and if you or anyone you do know are unwell then I hope you or them a speedy recovery. – Just a random thought, I don’t know if your parents were like this, but my mum would always say that there was nothing that a paracetamol couldn’t cure. Bless her cotton socks. Anyway… What are you still doing here?

References

[1] Wisdom Quotes. 2020. 290 Hope Quotes That Will Empower You. [online] Available at: <https://wisdomquotes.com/hope-quotes/&gt; [Accessed 22 May 2020].

[2] Goalcast. 2020. 21 Ernest Hemingway Quotes To Use As Guiding Principles. [online] Available at: <https://www.goalcast.com/2018/09/19/ernest-hemingway-quotes/&gt; [Accessed 22 May 2020].

Saying Goodbye

Salutations my beautiful little kumquats! I KNOW OKAY! I KNOW! I FUCKING KNOW! I’M SORRY FOR FUCKS SAKE GET OFF MY BACK AAAHH! *Sigh* Now I know some of you may be wondering where the fuck I’ve been for a month, I’m sure most of you reading this won’t have a clue what I’m talking about, and consequently won’t give a shit. But for the people that want to know, I have been in India for the past few weeks, and so unfortunately I haven’t been able to write any blog posts, however the trip has inspired ideas for new posts in the future so we’ll get back on the grind I swear. When I posted my first blog on here I was filled with a lot of excitement, I was excited for what my blog could be for me. Now, I wasn’t necessarily concerned about how many people read it or what everyone thinks about it (you better fucking love it). But I was determined to keep posting, the quota I gave myself was to try and post once a week. And for those of you who know, you’ll know that I failed miserably. One month has passed since my first blog post and well this would be post number two. So then, what happened??

I’ve heard people say that life can surprise you in many ways. And no matter how many times life finds a new way to surprise us; every time, each surprise hits just as hard or even a little harder than the last one. Sometimes you can do all the preparing in the world and you still won’t be ready for whatever news befalls your ears. If you read my last post you’ll remember I briefly mentioned my distain for waking up at 4:00 am in the morning. And ironically and somewhat poetically this post begins at 4:00 am in the morning on the 13th of February 2019. I was woken up by my dad and naturally I was rather annoyed, I asked him what he wanted, but after looking at his face I knew that it was something bad. I waited as I watched him struggle to get the words out. I watched him fight back the tears as he tried so desperately to find his breath. He told me that his brother, my uncle was gone… I’m sure most of us can agree that death is a horrible thing. Mainly for the people that are left behind. And I’m sure most of us know what the pain of losing someone feels like, so I won’t patronise any of you by explaining it. And to be perfectly honest with you guys, that’s not what I want this post to be about. This post is about remembering the wonderful man that my uncle is. And for those of you thinking that you won’t be able to take anything away from this post; if you can understand what kind of a man my uncle is or how he lived his life, then you can possibly learn a thing or two from his legacy. I know I sure did.

Just so you get an idea for what sort of a man he is. He’s strong, he’s independent, he’s funny, he’s hard headed, he’s motivated, he’s extremely driven he’s caring; he loves unconditionally and he’d be ready to die for the things he loves in a heartbeat. The man I know worked tirelessly, sometimes not even sleeping, touring the state in his amazing, shitty silver Bolero that he should have replaced ages ago, but he never did. He would always be on the road to provide for his family, to put food on their table, to put his sons through school, to build a better life for him and his wife. I’ve never seen someone who was willing to work that hard, for what he loved. He’s truly a role model. Especially for me, I mean my idea of a hard day is laundry day. He was never afraid to live my uncle. When I was a little kid, sometimes he would pretend to fall asleep while driving, so he would tell me to take the wheel and make sure I don’t kill us. And sometimes when I would visit India he would let me drive his Bolero along what I can only describe as, probably the most dangerous roads in the world. “Don’t worry” he’d say, he’d tell me to be confident, he’d tell me to just envision what you want to do and then just do it. For him it was always important to be courageous in life. And he made sure he passed that along to the people he loved. A lot of us fear death. And as a result of that; a lot of us start to fear life too. But not him. He was never afraid to live, nor was he to die.

My fondest memory of my uncle comes from the time I spent in India as a child, I must have been 4 or 5 years old then. He was always on the road a lot. He owned a tea plantation, which was pretty far from his home so he was constantly on road trips, and sometimes, he would take me along with him when he went on these trips, long ass fucking drives they were, but, there was never a dull moment with him. He would always take me to his favourite restaurants, well, I say restaurants; they were more like huts on the side of the road. But this is India we’re talking about, so you can get food that’s just as good, if not better from the side of the road, than say a big posh fancy schmansy food joint. The company he worked for covered all his expenses while he was on the road, so if he wanted to, he could have taken me to a restaurant that had a door, and trust me I tried my best to convince him, but that wasn’t his style. All throughout his life he always had this remarkable ability to appreciate simplicity, which I’m sure a lot of us take for granted most of the time, especially current times, where comfort and convenience are necessities. But he would always make sure that we didn’t forget the beauty that lay behind the simple. When we went to his plantation which was located on a mountain range so the climate there was absolutely stunning, you could stay there an entire life time and never not once get bored of it, not any of it. When night would fall over the plantation, the wind would carry in the mist, which would consume the landscape in one big foggy glaze. My uncle he would sit outside, and he would tell me to listen to the wind. And if you really listened, if you really payed attention, you could hear songs hidden within the wind, and once you hear it, you can’t ever not hear it again, you could hear mother-nature humming, and then you would see the mist rolling in and you could feel the cold on your skin. It wasn’t a harsh or bitter cold, it was a gentle and refreshing cold. And if you kept paying attention, you could smell the clean air, and the weird thing is, the air, it even tasted kind of sweet. It’s a truly remarkable experience for all your senses. And in that moment I completely understood why my uncle was so in love with that place. And that understanding, very quickly, turned into adoration.

Before that experience I had never really been able to appreciate anything around me. And after it, I went on an appreciation spree, I went wild with that shit, and continue to do so to this very day. But it was my uncle, who showed me how to listen, what to listen to and how to appreciate even the tiniest thing in front of me. A lot of times we see, and at the same time we don’t see anything at all. My uncle, he saw everything, and I’m always going to admire him for that. And I know one day, when I have kids of my own, I’m going to take them to that plantation and I’m going to show them what he showed me. Cause that’s something that’s always going to be in my heart. Even after I’m gone.

If you’ve read the title you’ll probably assume this blog is about saying goodbye. But weirdly enough, it isn’t. For some reason I find it extremely difficult to say goodbye. I don’t like goodbyes. They’re forever and I don’t like forever, it scares me somewhat. Even at the funeral I found myself asking whether or not I should say goodbye but an overwhelming part of me didn’t want to. Why say goodbye to someone that’s always going be alive in my heart, in my memories? I don’t feel the need for it. There’s just so much I wish I could have said to you in person that I know I won’t be able to. But with any luck, you can see how much everyone misses you, and you can see what you meant to us, and you can see how much we love you. To the man who could see everything. I hope you see this. And where ever you are; I hope you can hear the wind singing, I hope you can see the mist roll in and feel its chill on your skin and I hope the air tastes sweet over there. Here’s to you… ❤

No pictures this time cause I wanted the focus to be uninterrupted. I hope you understand ❤

Wassaaaaaaappp!

Sup bitches! (Hopefully that sets the tone for the rest of this blog) The names Shawny, but you can call me Shawny. I’m just a guy sat in his bedroom trying to do something meaningful with his life. I’m sure some of you may be able to relate, some of you may be sat in your bedrooms right now. Some of you, may even be trying to do something meaningful with your lives. Good Luck with all of that guys. Stay positive and never let anyone talk you out of following your passions. Don’t worry I’m not going to get too philosophical with you, I’m no motivational speaker (Maybe in another life, another place… But not here, not now). Having conversations with people is undoubtedly one of my favourite things to do. I try not to just talk to the people I know, but also with people I may not know or may not agree with (I even try to talk to myself sometimes. Mainly Sundays, not much goes on, on Sundays). I’ve always been a fan of writers that are able to have conversations with their readers. And when I write, I like to try and maintain a chill dialogue with whoever maybe be reading. Which in this case, would be you. Hi! (Try to imagine a massive grin and an awkward wave there as well if you can). So basically that’s the whole reason why I’m doing this blog. To have conversations with people; with the people I know and with the people I don’t. And let’s see if we can’t learn a little something about ourselves and each other along the way. Also DISCLAIMER (I have no idea how to do this but fuck it). If you’re easily offended or don’t like swearing, I don’t think you’ll find much joy on here. But that’s okay, I still love you.


[1] Mama T was a Saint R.I.P ❤

What’s my blog going to be about?

When I was setting up this page, WordPress asked me what my blog was going to be about. And guys… I was shook! I didn’t know the answer. And that made me feel a little silly in all honesty. I’m setting up a blog and I don’t even know what it’s about? What am I doing? And then I started back tracking. I don’t know the first thing about writing a blog, I thought maybe I shouldn’t set one up after all. No one’s going to read it. No one’s going to care. And just like that I was ready to put the car in reverse and back up out of the driveway. And that was usually my go to response whenever anything challenging showed up in life. It would be much easier to run away from it all and not face whatever hurdles it may throw my way. But not this time. This time something was different. You see, my whole life; the only things I ever wanted to do was to travel the world, and be a writer. These are my passions, these are the things that I should let no one talk me out of doing, especially not myself. You ever do something that you totally fell in love with from the first second? Something that made you feel truly happy when you were doing it?

Growing up, my family, we didn’t go on many holidays, they were few and far between. But like most things in life, it wasn’t the experiences that I didn’t have that left an impression, it was the experiences that I did have. My first ever family holiday. We went to India, a state called Kerala. Gods own country they call it over there. It’s just this beautifully stunning place, a landscape so heavily influenced by nature, evergreen forests, mountains and fields. And the people, are some of the most welcoming and gentle people I’ve ever met. I remember my dad waking up the whole family at some ridiculous time in the morning, must have been around 4:00 am (That’s like bed time for me now-a-days). So he woke us all up and he made us all hike up this mountain (it was more of a big a hill if I’m being honest, but I’m going with mountain. Sue me), and I remember severely disliking the experience. As a kid I was ever too excited about having to do any physically straining tasks. But, begrudgingly, I made it all the way to the top. About an hour and a half it took us. It was a bloody nightmare. But one that would change the rest of my life. My dad wanted us to be able to see the sun rising from the top of this ‘mountain’ And I think that, that moment, was quite possibly, the first time I ever fell in love. I saw the sun coming out of the horizon and giving birth to the evergreen landscape with its light and I was so moved by it. You know how certain moments can just touch your heart and move you so deeply? Move you so deeply that you don’t even understand it. Or why it happened. But you don’t need to understand it. Sometimes it’s okay to just get lost in a moment, in a feeling. Sometimes it’s okay to not know why, sometimes its better. I don’t know if it was the altitude or the lack of sleep but, something happened within me. Something that’s always been with me ever since that moment. You see, when I saw that sunrise, I was able to see how perfect nature really is, how captivating it can be. And I told myself that I wanted to see more, that I wanted to see all of it. And that feeling has been what I’ve been chasing ever since. And I find that feeling; every time I lay eyes on a sunrise or sunset, every time I explore and discover something new, every time I travel and every time I write.

Sunrise at the Vagamon Hill station, Kerala, India [2]

Got a little side tracked there, but getting back to the long winded point I was trying to make. I was going to run away from this blog. I was going to let my fear of failure defeat me before I had already begun. And from talking to a lot of people, I think this is an issue faced by many. It’s almost scary to think that there’s a lot of us out there that won’t ever get a chance to show the world just how bright we can shine. But I made a promise once. A promise that I was always going to try regardless. Even if I failed, even if I never got to do it all, at the very least, I’ll have tried my absolute best. So then, there was no way I could back out of this, because failure maybe an option, but quitting isn’t. So here I am. Blogging. Never thought I’d be a blogger to be honest, I hope its chill.

If you’re reading this and thinking what you could take away from this blog. I would hope that you take away the thought that you should never let your fears dictate who you become or what you do. I would also hope that you never let the fear of failure stop you from doing the things that make you feel like you’re in love with life. Or at the very least, stop you from trying. I also hope that you never have to wake up at 4 am. And if you ever do. I can only apologise.

And to answer the question; what is this blog going to be about? I don’t know. I don’t want to know. Because sometimes, it’s okay to not know, sometimes its better. 🙂

References (For the pictures. Don’t send for me pls)

[1] Cool-Quotes.org. (2019). Retrieved from http://www.cool-quotes.org/love-everyone-quotes-image-59704/

[2] Vagamon Hill station Kerala, India. (2014). Retrieved from http://shamons.blogspot.com/2014/08/vagamon-hill-station-kerala-india.html